Accountability & Hedges
Healing of anything takes times. Wounds do not heal immediately and are susceptable to infection. Some people are not ever healed of their sin as in the cases of those who are Alcoholics. Their alcohol filters are broken and they can not have a sip or else they are immediately become trapped back in the sin.
For single people, with sexual addictions, the case may be the same as an alcoholics; they can not take a sip from the cable box or internet world in private or they are immediately captured in their addiction.
Im marriage, with sexual addictions, the solution is not so easy - because giving up sex all together is not a Biblical option. It is a commandment to not withold sex from each other. However, for people with addictions to porn, they may have to completely give up some of the pipelines of porn like television or the internet.
How to have a good accountability partner:
1. Choose your wife.
This is the most difficult thing to do for most women and men. Even many Christian web sites will insist that men protect their women from such sins by choosing another man (rather than their wife), so that their wives are not hurt continually by a man's struggles and failures. But it is wrong to believe that women are not hurt by secret sins, or that the children of men with secret sins will not be affected by the sins of their fathers. Women will be much healthier if they have husbands who are healed of this sin, than if they have men who are struggling with it secretly. A man's greatest ally when will be a woman (his wife) who loves him and recognizes his need for help. Additionally, a woman will be hurt even more if she stumbles upon the fact herself on accident rather than hearing an honest confession, combined with an expression of sorrow for the behavior and a genuine request for forgiveness from her spouse There are additional problems with choosing friends, or other men as your main accountability partner.
The problem with a man choosing a friend to be an accountability partner is that most other men are also struggling with porn and they will be reluctant to call others to account because of their own conviction of their sin. Also, unless the men are meeting regularly accountability becomes few and far between. Your wife is always there and can be regular about asking you. Insist your wife learns to put on the internet filter, teach her how. Show your wife how to program the secret code on the cable box so that only she knows how to let certain shows be seen on the tv. Teach her about the tell tale signs of porn:
a. cleaned history
b. cleaned cache
c. secret logins
d. filters being turned off
e. emails coming up with porn ads
f. porn pop-ups showing up during web searches
and teach her to ask following certain tell-tale signs:
a. closed doors to office
b. nights where men are left alone
c. after trips that men take
and ask her to use certain clear and specific verbage:
a. have you struggled with lust in the last month?
b. have you looked at porn in the last month?
Do not ask questions like, "Have you been good," or "are you having success in with your struggle?" If you ask questions like this you might get answers such as "Yes," which may mean in the last ten minutes I have been good, or today I had success in the struggle, but last night I totally got schniztled at the website, "Christian Girls Gone Wild."
2. Choose a good friend and meet regularly just for accountability of the following issues (This is not an alternative to choice 1, it is in addition to it. I absoultely believe your wife needs to be involved in this.)
a. finances & tithe
b. porn (Teach your accountability partner how to answer the questions in the right way: see section 1)
c. regular time in the word
d. regular time in prayer
These are basic spiritual disciplines that will help men who are dealing with sin to have geniune conviction of the Holy Spirit.
3. Do not accept a position of leadership in church unless:
a. Your wife and you can be honest about your struggles with porn
b. Your head pastor will not regularly hold you accountable for your struggle
c. Your pastor will not discipline you by removing you from leadership if true transformation in this area is not happening
d. Your pastor is having success in this area
Failing in this area does not disqualify anybody from leadership. Continually sinning, not repenting, and regular participation in the addiction of porn does.
The word says to whom much is given, much is expected and that those who want to teach or are elders should be people who have self control and are faithful to their spouses.
4. Make as many hedges as you can.
a. use filters on your internet and tv
b. tell as many people as you can about your struggle and ask them to hold you accountable: if people do not think you are worthy of being a leader with you being in the sin you are, then you probably aren't a good enough leader.
c. Avert your eyes from areas when you feel the beast rising up
d. Eliminate portals of porn if you have to.
For single people, with sexual addictions, the case may be the same as an alcoholics; they can not take a sip from the cable box or internet world in private or they are immediately captured in their addiction.
Im marriage, with sexual addictions, the solution is not so easy - because giving up sex all together is not a Biblical option. It is a commandment to not withold sex from each other. However, for people with addictions to porn, they may have to completely give up some of the pipelines of porn like television or the internet.
How to have a good accountability partner:
1. Choose your wife.
This is the most difficult thing to do for most women and men. Even many Christian web sites will insist that men protect their women from such sins by choosing another man (rather than their wife), so that their wives are not hurt continually by a man's struggles and failures. But it is wrong to believe that women are not hurt by secret sins, or that the children of men with secret sins will not be affected by the sins of their fathers. Women will be much healthier if they have husbands who are healed of this sin, than if they have men who are struggling with it secretly. A man's greatest ally when will be a woman (his wife) who loves him and recognizes his need for help. Additionally, a woman will be hurt even more if she stumbles upon the fact herself on accident rather than hearing an honest confession, combined with an expression of sorrow for the behavior and a genuine request for forgiveness from her spouse There are additional problems with choosing friends, or other men as your main accountability partner.
The problem with a man choosing a friend to be an accountability partner is that most other men are also struggling with porn and they will be reluctant to call others to account because of their own conviction of their sin. Also, unless the men are meeting regularly accountability becomes few and far between. Your wife is always there and can be regular about asking you. Insist your wife learns to put on the internet filter, teach her how. Show your wife how to program the secret code on the cable box so that only she knows how to let certain shows be seen on the tv. Teach her about the tell tale signs of porn:
a. cleaned history
b. cleaned cache
c. secret logins
d. filters being turned off
e. emails coming up with porn ads
f. porn pop-ups showing up during web searches
and teach her to ask following certain tell-tale signs:
a. closed doors to office
b. nights where men are left alone
c. after trips that men take
and ask her to use certain clear and specific verbage:
a. have you struggled with lust in the last month?
b. have you looked at porn in the last month?
Do not ask questions like, "Have you been good," or "are you having success in with your struggle?" If you ask questions like this you might get answers such as "Yes," which may mean in the last ten minutes I have been good, or today I had success in the struggle, but last night I totally got schniztled at the website, "Christian Girls Gone Wild."
2. Choose a good friend and meet regularly just for accountability of the following issues (This is not an alternative to choice 1, it is in addition to it. I absoultely believe your wife needs to be involved in this.)
a. finances & tithe
b. porn (Teach your accountability partner how to answer the questions in the right way: see section 1)
c. regular time in the word
d. regular time in prayer
These are basic spiritual disciplines that will help men who are dealing with sin to have geniune conviction of the Holy Spirit.
3. Do not accept a position of leadership in church unless:
a. Your wife and you can be honest about your struggles with porn
b. Your head pastor will not regularly hold you accountable for your struggle
c. Your pastor will not discipline you by removing you from leadership if true transformation in this area is not happening
d. Your pastor is having success in this area
Failing in this area does not disqualify anybody from leadership. Continually sinning, not repenting, and regular participation in the addiction of porn does.
The word says to whom much is given, much is expected and that those who want to teach or are elders should be people who have self control and are faithful to their spouses.
4. Make as many hedges as you can.
a. use filters on your internet and tv
b. tell as many people as you can about your struggle and ask them to hold you accountable: if people do not think you are worthy of being a leader with you being in the sin you are, then you probably aren't a good enough leader.
c. Avert your eyes from areas when you feel the beast rising up
d. Eliminate portals of porn if you have to.
posted by friend | 12:01 AM
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